“What Is a ‘Should’ — And Why It Shows Up Loudest at Christmas?”

If there’s one word that can quietly drain the joy from Christmas, it’s ‘should.’

In psychology, a should is an internal rule — a belief about what we must do to be good, responsible, or accepted.
Sometimes these rules are useful.
But often, they run on autopilot, long after they’ve stopped serving us.

Where do shoulds come from?

They’re usually shaped by experiences like:
• family expectations
• cultural or religious norms
• early messages about being ‘good’ or ‘easy’
• comparison with others
• fear of disappointing people
• social media pressure

Shoulds tend to be rigid. They offer one “correct” option — even when your situation, capacity, or values don’t align with it.

Why Christmas amplifies shoulds

The festive season is like a loudspeaker for internal rules.
You might notice thoughts like:
• “I should make it magical.”
• “I should buy more.”
• “I should do all the traditions.”
• “I should be in the mood.”

These rules often collide with the reality of modern life: limited time, limited energy, limited emotional bandwidth. No wonder so many people feel overwhelmed.

The emotional cost of shoulds

When we live inside rigid rules, our nervous system tends to respond with:
• guilt
• pressure
• exhaustion
• shame
• a sense of constantly falling short

Christmas can shift from connection to performance.

A gentler approach

The first step is simply noticing when a should appears.
The second is asking:
Who does this rule belong to?
Is it still serving me?
What would I choose if I removed the pressure?

Replacing shoulds with choice — “I want,” “I choose,” “It matters to me that…” — doesn’t just reduce stress.
It reconnects you to meaning.

This is the heart of the Calm Christmas project

Calm Christmas is all about reclaiming your season from the noise of comparison and expectation.
It’s an invitation to build a holiday grounded in intention, not obligation… presence, not pressure.

If you’re exploring what a gentler, value-driven December could look like, the Calm Christmas resources might be a lovely place to start.